this is breathing 

I think we forget to breathe. Not actually, clearly, it’s part of our nature to breathe, thank God, or I would’ve actually forgotten some time ago. But to stop and [metaphorically] inhale. To let breathe swirl down our throat and into our lungs; to take captive our moments, to lean into ourselves [and our God]. 

Wednesday was a heavy, ugly day for me. It had not so good news and it weighted my heart with sadness and worry. I had plans with friends that I was actually dreading. I only wanted to go sit on my bed and sulk in the ugly and the sad. In my time with Jesus, I opened my journal to scribble down some sort of “Lord where are” rank and right in the middle of the page were the words I wrote two days before because I found them beautiful and necessary: The Lord is there [Ezk. 48:35b]. Well damn. He is there and He knew I really needed those words. And while that was calming and reassuring, my heart still felt like it had a bunch of rocks yanking it down. Nevertheless I went out that evening with friends. I completely intended to fake smile the entire night through. However, fifteen minutes into our coffee and adventure, I think God popped down to do one of those reminders that my workout app does halfway through my exercise, “remember to breathe”. You don’t realize that you’ve been holding your breath for that long until someone says something and suddenly you gasp in some huge gulp of h2o and it refreshes all of you. That’s what that night quickly turned into. Joking about marrying professional fútbol players, taking pictures in the middle of the street, café mojitos, and leaving ketchup messages for your waitresses. It was a cleansing breath. One that untied the rocks from my heart. One that made giggling easy and not heavy or hard. One that made dancing on the sidewalks absolutely necessary. 

And Thursday came and went. And today is Friday. It was a long, seemingly endless day. I finished the second of my journaling series [always bittersweet] and did a lot of the not fun but necessary work that my internship entails. And again my heart was heavy. I go home in twenty two days and it seems I’ve been more and more homesick. That’s seems abnormal but the days will fly by, or at least that’s what they say- so I need to take each moment captive. So I coaxed my body to the coffee shop, which is always helpful because I love aesthetically pleasing atmospheres. Quiet and dim, gentle music, good beverages and this particular one had many familiar faces. And so there I ventured with my roommate and her visiting sister. And then down the street to my favorite arepa stand, where they left and I remained [my first solo night adventure]. I wandered through one of the local parks and then back to the coffee shop, where I’m breathing and writing now. Tonight I needed to “breathe” reminder again. All day I was exhausted and overwhelmed, my spirit was just cranky. And now here I sit, drinking a mango smoothie, pouring over the words I’ve inscribed over the past three months in these one hundred and five pages. 
Take a step back from your heavy. From your ugly. Sometimes the edge of yikes isn’t a big yellow bridge, sometimes it’s sitting with your thoughts, pouring through them. And to be able to stand on bridges, you have to have breath in your lungs and to have breath in your lungs you must breathe. So breathe, and recuperate. Take good care of you. Don’t forget to breathe. 

The end. 

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