simply something raw.


I’ve been off and on sick for the last month-ish. Today, recalling how I tend to wear my emotions as infirmities, I sat on the couch, piggy pajamas and all, wondering what exactly was going on inside of me. Wondering led to thinking, thinking led to knowing [kind of] and knowing led to crying. Crying is a known way for me to unload, unravel and release. I just wrote a piece about being in the waiting. It sucks, we’re all aware. And it is really easy to say we have given the waiting over to Jesus, but sometimes it takes hitting a certain wall [or several walls] to finally actually surrender. I can almost guarantee the worry and unsettledness is what’s at the root of the fevers and tummy troubles and exhaustion. 
What is uncertain? What is causing worry? The future. He already commanded us not to worry and I literally have two tattoos on my skin reminding me to be still. Like the sea, sometimes my heart is full of tossing, raging waves. Be still. For praying people, here’s a window into my heart. December tenth I board a plane to the States. Unless things change before now and then [which they most certainly can], I’ll have zero clue as to what country I’ll be in come mid-January. I tend to think my options are Colombia or America, but I have a teeny tiny human brain that couldn’t ever comprehend the plans of the Creator. Both options come full-packed with pros and cons, although America seems terrifying. How on earth could “the greatest country on earth” be terrifying? I have never been an adult there. The six months post high school were spent preparing for Colombia. The time this summer was not very great. I spent a three year supply of tears in those two months. I’ve been told I talk a lot as if I will be staying in the states, which is completely unintentional. I think it’s because in my what-if processing brain, the States is the scariest option, so there’s a lot of processing to do. Like the fact that I have a bigger community in Colombia than I do in the States. A country I am a foreigner in knows me more deeply than a country I gave eighteen years to. Wild concept. So my heart needs peace. Pray for that. My mind is waiting for direction. But mostly, I need to find the joy in the still and the unknown. I need to embrace the quiet that I am finding myself in. Be still, be still, be still. 
I know I have to do more than say I have surrendered my uncertainty to Holy Spirit. I have to actually let go on my white-knuckle grasp on control. His plans for my life are ten times better than the things I’m trying to create out of thin air. So I open my palms. Jesus, I let go. It’s all yours. Your love is sweeping over me, singing over me, dancing over me, fully covering me. I release it. I release my foolish grasping after winds. You are constant and never changing. You are true and faithful. And I’ll just sit here with You. Glue my butt to the ground and call stillness over me. Give me joy in the quiet, in the solitude, in the unknown, in my time with You, in my time without answers. I feel surrounded by the need and desire for a “next” but those are foolish demands of the world and my flesh. So I give up, I’m collapsing into Your arms. Embrace me. Collide with me. Find me here. I’m surrounded by you. 
That’s some real stuff right there folks. Prayers and thoughts and love appreciated. 

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