this is winding down.

Sunday marked three weeks. Three flipping weeks until my feet are swept up from Medellín and plopped back into Chicago. There are a million things going on internally. The back and forth of “WHAT COMES NEXT?!” And yesterday, God came with an answer for that. Or rather, a response and reminder of who He is.

God: When is the last time you found yourself caught in waiting? Me: My jenior year of high school. God: And what happened after the waiting? Me: You took me to a new church, healed my heart, and brought me to Colombia.

Revelation, answer, etc.: In the waiting, He doesn’t leave me. He has something amazing. Last time He brought me to Colombia and then called me to Colombia for a bit more long-termy [than seven days]. So I have no concerns. I am excited to go back to my little Elgin, Illinois. I am excited to see my family, again. And I am completely overwhelmed with sad to be leaving Medellín, but it’s not a “taking over” sadness. I know I’m the deepest parts of me that I’ll b back. I just don’t have a date or a “what” yet. The sadness is from being away from home. Look at how far I’ve come. Mind blown.

This is hard.

It’s been annoying how often I’ve actually said those three words. It has been frustrating that I cry almost every single day. And it was really hard when my plane landed and the first thought that slipped into my head was “oh sh*t”. “What on earth did I commit to?” “Why am I here?” “This was a crazy idea. I should go home.” And it was scary when I looked at my mom the night of January 4th and whispered, “I don’t think I can do this”. But I’m here. It’s January twenty fifth and I am still in Medellin, Colombia. I’m kind of doing “this”.

Above is an excerpt from my very first ever blog, written after being in Colombia for twenty days. When I first got to Medellín I was riddled with loneliness and fear. I wanted my mom. My brothers. I wanted everything I had in the States. I was terrified and confused and so unsure of what God was doing. Had I actually ever heard His voice? What was I doing here. I actually said, “I don’t think I can do this.” I have never been a quitter and I almost turned my back on the promise land God had laid out before me. Words alone cannot express how grateful I am that I did not. How much I can rejoice in what God has done. He deserves literally everything. I look around me and I have this extensive, deep family here. It’s impossible not to feel internally wrecked for walking away from that, even if it’s only brief. I have people I can pull on, turn to, laugh with, cry with, worship with, all of it. I truly believe this is one of the biggest testaments that family has no relevance to sharing blood- no one in this country is related to me by DNA, but some of my deepest relationships grew out of the ground of a country that was completely foreign to me. And now it’s home. Having multiple homes is a blessing and also hell; you’re home everywhere you go, but something is always missing- half a home.

So I’m processing. I am waiting and worshipping and winding down. Occasionally bursting into tears, flavored with struggle turned victorious. I still cannot wrap my mind around who I was when I showed up here and who I am now. And all I can do is be astounded at Jesus. I never held my moms hand before I landed in Colombia and couldn’t let it go. I think I cried six years worth of tears. I don’t think I can describe well enough the craziness that has gone on. I’ve received more than I could ever have imagined from this [almost] year. How, how, how? Thank you Jesus for the things you’ve crafted. You really are that good. Sorry for all the times I was mad you brought me here… I didn’t see what you had in store.

TOP TWENTY THINGS

  • Fútbol teens

  • Geraldine

  • Worship
  • Community/connections
  • Viento Fresco staff

  • Learning Spanish
  • The depth of my relationship with God
  • Coffee
  • Saturday flower days

  • Dancing during worship
  • Major increase in journaling
  • Chocó
  • Missions teams

  • My babies

  • Prophecies
  • Roomies

  • Belonging/roots
  • Daniel, our homeless friend
  • Worship with Sergio
  • Watching God wreck and rebuild His kids

And that’s the first twenty awesome things that has transpired, there’s a plethora of more, but those all popped into my brain. So I know I’m not done here. I’ve already given a “yes” to Jesus about returning- the rest is in His hands. I love this country, it is all types of tangled up in my heart. I’m at eighteen days full of Medellín left. I remember about two months in, I committed to living fully here in the abundance of what Yahweh had for me, not simply existing. I think I’ve done that, and I’ve got a collection of a mere eighteen days in my current sight line to keep going- better bet I will. So that’s where I’m at. Sorry I haven’t written in a month. It’s been wild.

Peace out Girl Scouts.

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